Mr. Small Charm

Speaking of Birthday sex…

During my freshman year of college, my French speaking hot surfer-god boyfriend left me for a skinny bitch who smoked cigarettes. We’d been separated for three months but I still couldn’t get that stale bitter taste out of my mouth. Luckily I had a cool posse of guy friends who helped distract me from my sadness. On my 19th birthday, they threw me a party in their tiny dorm room with a couple handles of tequila, and a bottle of Everclear to celebrate the night.

As the only girl in the crowd I’d been weighing my rebound options for the evening. It wasn’t till I gulped down my third shot of Jose that I honed in on my target. He was a true “edible arrangement, ” a tall, tan, fit, water-polo player who lived in my dorm. To top of his good looks, he was funny and did an awesome impression of Borat’s “verry niiiice.” I liked.

10PM: Drinking games on the third floor led to water polo boy’s bed, first floor.

10:43PM. In my state of drunken birthday bliss, I was oblivious to the disaster that would soon ensue.

Dorm bed: small

Making out: niiiiccee

Changing positions: rough

Falling: me on floor, upper rib slashed, ouch, wtf, laughter and then back on bed

Despite the fresh wound on my ribcage, I was having a lot of fun. I was in an alcohol induced bliss/trance and feeling the chemistry with this guy. He pulls out a green condom and shows me his goods…

Wait? What? Yeah, I felt nothing. Where was it? Too drunk to get it up? Only one way to find out. I decided to go downtown for some inspection and was taken back, aghast. No, it really cant be? The tall and lean Kevin was short and lean in the nethers. This made for the worst combination and resulted in the unthinkable: A baggy green condom.

Did our attempted romping on the bed count as the real deal? It was definitely in there at one point, but isn’t something only real if you can feel it? I definitely couldn’t feel it. After this ambiguous “sex?” we showered together in the shared co-ed dorm bathroom and returned upstairs. Our wet hair and guilty faces invited winks and raised eyebrows from my friends. Little did they know, how little it really was…

I cried in regret the following morning and to this day bear the scar of the small charm.